Sorry, did not intend to mislead anyone.

DISCLAIMER: The song “Down in a Hole” was intentionally taken from its original context and applied to a spiritual life of struggle - a practice commonly frowned upon. Under no circumstance would I ever use this as a technique to witness to unbelievers or teach doctrine. However, this Blog entry (as with many of my others) was written to share the thought process of my mind; my objective approach to things of this life filtered through scripture; scrutinizing each and every influence. Additionally, this particular piece does not reflect a complete exposition of thought on the matter.

A couple of weeks ago I changed up my Myspace profile and added the song “Down in a Hole,” by Alice in Chains (heretofore, AIC). To clear the air, I did not intend to have the music reflect an internal or an emotional status. My song and word choice were motivated out of philosophical and theological scrutiny; hence my profile headline change: “It's funny how a bit of 'nostalgia' can be enjoyable, but if not kept-in-check, unpleasant.” Admittedly, (in my ignorance) I understand how someone might issue a concern-of-welfare based on my song and word choice. Believe you, me, I am doing well.

Perhaps, to further provide insight into my thought (of that particular moment in time), I should elaborate. I don’t recall why, or how, I stumbled upon AIC’s music that day. Honestly, I haven’t listened AIC in quite sometime; however, I do know when I recall memories from any given period of my life, my mind floods with the music with which I was associated. AIC reflects a period that spans from my sophomore year of high school, until about the time I enlisted in the Air Force (1996). The song, “Down in a Hole,” specifically, reminds me of my first year after high school. Like many at that time of their lives, I was on top of the world. High School was over; my plans to develop my career had just begun and, well, I thought everything was great! Of course, none of this is why I’m writing right now – I digress!

Back to “Down in a Hole.” Over the years, there was much speculation about the true meaning behind this particular song. The skinny: Jerry Cantrell, guitarist for AIC, penned the song as a lament over a self-inflicted torment for his unfeigned love for Courtney Clarke, the then love of his life. Popularly, however, many thought that front-man, Layne Staley, wrote this song about a struggle with drug addiction – one that would later claim his life.

On the particular day I chose to add this song to my profile, I had spent quite some time dissecting the lyrics. I’m prone to do that nowadays, juxtaposed to my youth, when I was mostly concerned with the sound-style of a band. As I examined the lyrics, I was totally enamored at how artistically the lyrics where poised against the music; a beautiful composition. Despite the ingenuity, the lyrics are disturbingly profound. Read for yourself:

Bury Me Softly In This Womb
I Give This Part Of Me For You
Sand Rains Down And Here I Sit
Holding Rare FlowersIn A Tomb.....
In Bloom

Down In A Hole And I Don't Know
If I Can Be Saved
See My Heart
I Decorate ItLike A Grave
You Don't Understand
Who TheyThought I Was
Supposed To Be
Look At Me Now
A ManWho Won't Let Himself Be

Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Losin' Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied

Down In A Hole And They've Put All
The Stones In Their Place
I've Eaten The Sun So My Tongue
Has Been Burned Of The Taste
I Have Been GuiltyOf Kicking Myself In The Teeth
I Will Speak No More
Of My Feelings Beneath

Oh I Want To Be Inside Of You
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Feelin' So Small
Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Out Of Control

I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied

As I researched a few things on-line, I ran across a website where one fan commented as such:

“In my opinion, this is a song about a man so saddled by depression, he can't think of anywhere to go, anyone to talk to or anything to save himself. “See my heart, I decorate it like a grave." - He can't even express his anger or sadness, his only emotion is that of loss and sadness. "You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be." - He never imagined himself being in this state, where he questions very existence. "Down in a hole, feeling so small..." Depression can make someone feel so worthless to the point of non-existence. "Down in a hole, losing my soul..." - Depression has removed everything from his humanity, from his inability to express himself, to his all-encompassing feeling of helplessness. “I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied..." - He can remember when life was so promising, with unlimited potential...but he's been dragged down by depression. "I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth..." - the depression has gripped him so tightly that he's mentally torn himself apart, second guessing everything he does, everything he thinks, everything he feels. "I will speak no more of my feelings beneath..." - again, with the feeling that even expressing his sadness is useless.” - Vincent, Braintree, MA

From a temporal perspective on life, I agree with most of his conclusions. Theologically, the question looms: how many of us feel that way about our faith, the doctrines we treasure, and the lives we live? Intentionally taking the song from its original context and applying it to ones spiritual life (a practice some frown upon), I don’t know of any songs from that era that could have better captured our anguish. I am speaking in generalizations, so please don’t assume I am making a declaration of experience for all; that is hardly the case. Arguably, most converts will endure a period of their new lives just as the song “Down in a Hole” personifies. At the point of vocalization, a convert usually feels a temporary exhilaration and a relief of all burdens. Why shouldn’t they, as they’ve entered into a new life? But, are they not still embedded in the same routines, affiliations, and creature comforts? Logically, if left alone and unguided that convert will soon find a mind filled with the same, if not similar, laments and agony stated in AICs “Down in a Hole.”

“I Give This Part Of Me For You…”
How many times do we think, ‘Lord, not wholly yours, just a part – I still want my own life.’

“Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul…
Down In A Hole, Losin' Control…
Down In A Hole And I Don't Know If I Can Be Saved…”
Often in our helplessness and limited understanding of forgiveness and God’s omnipotence, we pigeon-hole ourselves to the point where we cannot achieve a sufficient amount of penitence… to the point where we void out our salvation – as if either of those are within our ability.

“See My Heart, I Decorate it like a Grave…”
You know if someone would have taught me from the beginning the depravity, sickness and deceit of the heart… so few less would have been my anguish.

“You Don't Understand Who They Thought I Was Supposed To Be…”
Ah, legacy. How many get caught up on believing that they must carry on a family tradition and re-enforce a legacy for generations to come (that we have to be a preacher like Dad and Grand-dad)? How many believe that we need to be a Greg Laurie, Billy Graham, like the apostles, prophets, and priests? How many believe to not be, means ‘failure’?

“I'd Like To Fly But My Wings Have Been So Denied…”
I believe the comment by AIC fan, Vincent, said it best: “He can remember when life was so promising, with unlimited potential...but he's been dragged down by depression.”

“Down In A Hole And They've Put All The Stones In Their Place…”
WHEN YOU’RE DOWN, YOU’RE DOWN and everyone (in your mind, that is) is ready to cast the stones.

“Oh I Want To Be Inside Of You
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied”
The turmoil within our own hearts, again, we know of the unlimited potential found in a spiritual rebirth. We know what glory lies ahead and how, if only, we could bask in that glory of the Lord.

Empirically, through personal and shared testimony, mature Christians understand my prior use of the terms ‘vocalization’ and ‘temporary.’ We understand that true conversion does not [necessarily] coincide at the moment of vocalization, but rather at the time of spiritual alteration. With the following verses, I believe the dynamic translation out of the NLT reads best for comprehension and draws the following illustration of conversion as such:

“For you are not a true Jew just because you were born of Jewish parents or because you have gone through the ceremony of circumcision. No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by God’s Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people.” (Romans 2:28-29)

TO BE CONTINUED…